1. I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at
a
time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They'll still
be
there when he is dead.
2. There are thousands of sick people who want to be vampires. Why
pick someone who doesn't?
3. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I
will
come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle and grenades.
4. When biting women to make them slaves, I will bite them in
out-of-the-way locations such as the inside of the thigh, the lower
part
of the breast or other location not requiring painfully obvious
alteration
of clothing or ridiculous accessories to conceal.
5. I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a burglar alarm
with an automatic dialer. It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me
while under arrest for attempted breaking and entering.
6. My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The
elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be
equipped with claymores designed to shred the body of anyone who opens
it.
7. I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day.
8. The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions.
Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine for everyday wear as they are less
noticeable.
9. I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on
killing
him anyway so what's the point?
10. There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts or air vents
accessing my Hidden Lair that have any sort of access to the outside
and
which sunlight can be directed down using mirrors.
11. If there must be windows they will be painted over and backed with
steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he throws
something
through it at sunrise.
12. When I take the Hero's True Love to make her my concubine and
eternal
slave I will not show her off to goad the Hero into making an attack.
That
would goad the Hero into making an attack. She will be tucked away in
a
quiet room watched over by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead.
13. I will not transform children. Their bodies will stay the same age
forever while their minds grows older and they will become whiny and
disobedient.
14. I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females
dressed
in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also
distract the Hero.
15. While castles and mansions are traditional and have a certain
flair,
the two bedroom bungalow is less noticeable in suburbia.
16. My home will not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become
sharp, pointed sticks at inopportune moments.
17. My home will have mirrors but they will be located in places such
as
the bathroom where I am unlikely to be at the same time as the Hero or
his
friends.
18. I will not change into a bat, scuttle up walls, fly or hypnotize
people when there might be witnesses.
19. All my concubines will be fully aware that they are not to seduce,
attack or even bother visitors staying in the castle unless they have
express consent from me.
20. The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice
container and there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage.
21. I will get a voice coach and change my name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is
less
suspicious than "I.......am......Dra. ....cu.....la."
22. I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire whorehouses
and
prostitution rings, vampire bars or vampire biker gangs. They attract
attention.
23. I will spend no more than 10 years in any one location and when I
move
it will be somewhere distant. I will not return to a previous home for
a
minimum of 80 years. Anyone who previously knew me will either be dead
or
senile.
24. I will be able to explain porphyria and why that unfortunate
genetic
condition is the reason I cannot go out in the sun.
25. I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone
accidentally cuts himself.
26. A Kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart
is a
rather trendy fashion accessory.
27. I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water pistol
and
a confident expression.
28. Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden
sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door. Anyone
refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room
and
shot in the knees, handcuffed and chained to the wall where they will
provide lunch for my concubines.
29. Crossbows, spears, arrows and other antique weapons with wood or
large
blades will be banned from the castle. There is nothing wrong with a
fine
collection of rifles and handguns.
30. Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a
major spice at that restaurant.
31. All servants, concubines and assorted slaves will be under strict
orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.
32. Servants, concubines and assorted slaves will have a
zero-tolerance
rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.
33. When recruiting new blood, so to speak, I will first enslave those
who
might notice odd behavior in my future concubines. Therefore, I take
the
teacher at the all-girls school first.
34. All future concubines will be screened and have complete
background
checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from
consideration. The irony is not worth the risk.
35. Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive
trauma from a shotgun blast before he becomes lunch.
36. I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal
servants, concubines and assorted slaves are for. Besides, the True
Love
is probably tastier.
37. All future concubines will be stripped searched for rosaries,
crucifixes and garlic before I approach them.
38. All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an interest
in
the supernatural will be identified and observed for sudden changes in
behavior.
39. I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of
my
community and will make sure that I cultivate enough friends that I
will
be warned of anyone spreading malicious rumors about me.
40. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a
Mafia
hit team to take out the Hero and his friends. Let's see the crucifix
protect them from an Uzi.
41. All villagers will be encouraged to send their children to the
schools
I will secretly finance. After a few years of modern education they
will
dismiss the legends told by their grandparents, several of which will
undoubtedly be ways to destroy me.
42. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of
humanity. I
don't have any. That is why it is former.
43. I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.
44. All concubines will save the loose, transparent flowing silk
dresses
for special occasions. I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a woman in
leather and Kevlar, which provides more protection so she lasts longer
in
a fight.
45. Although firearms are useless against myself and the concubines,
they
work quite effectively on the Hero and his friends. Therefore all
concubines will be armed and taught to shoot. They will use hand and
fang
in attack only as a last resort.
46. All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which
will
make the absence of blood and bite marks impossible to identify.
47. I will not send bodies or parts thereof of former friends,
relatives,
mentors or lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate my complete
mastery
over life and death.
48. I will not demonstrate knowledge inappropriate for someone of my
apparent age.
49. I will not begin a vendetta against someone who has destroyed a
fellow
vampire that I was fond of. They have clearly demonstrated they have
the
ability to destroy me.
50. As cute as the Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who
are
not capable of destroying me.
51. More vampires means lower prey ratio: I will carefully consider if
I
really want more of us running around.
52. All the cutlery in my house will be either stainless steel or
plastic.
No silver. (Besides, I might accidentally cut myself.) But ideally,
the
steel will have a special surface that makes it *look* like silver, so
the
Hero will waste his time trying to stab me with it.
